Tactical Communication (Part 1)

Most first responders are taught some type of tactical communication or de-escalation techniques. Also known as verbal Judo, this form of communication is taught to streamline your interactions with the public and reduce the volatile responses you are often met with. I don’t know an EMT, Fire, or Law Enforcement officer that routinely shows up on someone’s good day, thus the need for you to de-escalate. All of that makes sense, right? So then, we know this . . and yet, in arguments with those that we are supposed to love the most, we do the opposite.

Today, I am going to hit you with the basics. Take the words, “always” and “never” off the table. As in “You always start a fight the minute I walk in the door!” “You never let me relax!”. Starting conversations with those words, immediately puts the other person on defense. They start lining up the exceptions, and there are ALWAYS exceptions. So just stop saying it.

The second thing wrong with both those statements is the “You.” Perhaps it feels like your spouse/ partner does not understand what you just went through and perhaps they really don’t and never will. Perhaps it feels like they do not care, or maybe they have stopped caring. In either case, it will not improve with the above type of communication. Take the “yous” out and focus on what you are feeling which is the heart of the issue. Use “I” statements.

“Honey, when I get home, I am spent. I need a little bit of time to get my brain to switch gears. This is not going to be a productive conversation right now. I feel angry and frustrated and I do not want to take that out on you. Please?” If your conversation goes that way, you better give a time when you will come back and finish that conversation. Do not bury and avoid but take time so that you can respond and not react. If you make it a habit, your partner can trust that you will come back to the conversation and how they were feeling.

Remember, these are reminders. If you are stuck in negative patterns of relationship that need more than a blog, you might need a third party to help you. It may be a therapist, but it could be a mentor, a friend that is on the side of your relationship, or someone at your local church or small group. Life is too short to come home and tear down the relationships you care about the most.

Next week, Tactical Communication (Part 2)