A second concept presented in most Tactical Communication courses is the idea of “active listening.” Often couples come into my office because they have failed at this. Both people only listen to each other to prove the other wrong, not to understand the person.
So how can you understand your significant other, when it feels like he/she is attacking you? Let’s break down what is happening in your mind and body. When you are in defense mode, you are most likely accessing the limbic system. In your job, you train hard to work through the effects of this same system. You’re training allows you to use your adrenaline dump for good, make split second decisions to minimize loss and increase the probability of a positive outcome.
Now you would think, “I should not be in fight or flight with my partner, so this doesn’t really apply.” Now I want you to think back to your last big argument. What did it feel like in your chest? How did your limbs feel? What do you think you face looked like?
Your job exposes you to chronic stress which never really allows your central nervous system to relax. This means your baseline of hyper arousal is going to be higher. It is going to take less of a stimulus to get you to react, and if you have not trained for a good relational outcome, your system gets hijacked and you say and do things in reaction to your partner you cannot take back. Your job training does not translate well to your personal relationships.
To listen to understand, you have to train yourself to stay out of the fight or flight when talking to the person you love. You have to switch your thinking. This is not a battle to be won or lost; it is successful or unsuccessful communication. Communication fails when the message does not get received the way the messenger intended. Whether it broke down on the com side or the receiving side does not matter. You both failed. Try again.
To gain control of your thinking and calm your central nervous system, begin by controlling your breathing, reminding your brain this is a conversation, you have time, and you want to understand. Another key is not reacting right away when your significant other says something that causes that “tinge” or “jab” you usually feel in your body right before you say something hurtful.
Talk to your partner face to face. Sit down, give them attention and the benefit of the doubt in the conversation until there is understanding. We know we cannot control other people; however, we can control ourselves. We can choose to respond rather than react. We can take time to seek clarity to see if we understand our partner correctly, before we decided to agree or not.
P.S. Don’t have an argument over txt. That’s just stupid. Next week: Tactical Communication (Part 3) Your kids